Cultivating Resilience with our Parents

The pandemic has been especially hard on the elderly. Even though, at last, many are now receiving vaccines, people over 70 remain at increased risk not only of Covid-19, but also of anxiety, depression and loneliness, due in part to social isolation. I have seen this firsthand: many of my patients are elderly or have parents who are elderly. Perhaps you do as well. As someone who has a 96-year-old mother with health problems, I understand.

We know from years of research that mindfulness can help us find strength in difficult times. Yet if you’ve ever tried teaching an older parent (or friend or loved one) to meditate, you’ve probably encountered resistance. After all, they grew up in a time when meditation was considered weird, if it was known at all. Is there anything we can do to help our parents and loved ones access their hard-won resilience?

After some trial and a lot of error, I have found two approaches that have been effective.

1. Start with Gratitude

Let me start with a story that might resonate for you. My dad died over thirty years ago. Since then, my mom has insisted that I call her every single night, because, she says, she could die in her sleep. For me, the evening calls have become a daily practice in dealing with my own unruly mind—and all too often, feeling guilty and inadequate. (Yes, meditation teachers get irritable with their parents as well). And yet, in the days of Covid, her fears now seem plausible. One colleague, talking with me about the pandemic, joked that what used to seem paranoid now seems sensible.

Yet my mother’s complaints became incessant. Whenever I offered a constructive suggestion, it was rejected. The maxim, “for every problem there is a solution” became “for every solution there is a problem.” The daily relentless complaints were wearing me down, and I began to feel helpless and frustrated.

“Have you tried cultivating gratitude with her?” my meditation teacher suggested. I didn’t think it would work, but my teacher persisted. “Keep it simple. Just one thing a day, and do it together,” she said firmly. So I gave it a try.

The first day was predictable. “Why are we doing this?” she complained. I explained the research and how scientists found that cultivating gratitude helped people during the pandemic. She resisted. She couldn’t think of anything. Finally, she said, “I’m grateful for the TV.”

I tried again the second day. “I’m grateful for the TV,” she said again.

On the third day, after she gave the same answer, I suddenly had an insight. “Well mom, I’m grateful for you,” I said, in a voice that may have been kinder than usual.

I don’t know how to explain it, but something changed. She seemed less angry. She talked about the bright red Amaryllis flower that had burst into bloom. And it occurred to me that, of course, this is what a lonely, frightened 96-year-old would want to hear. It has been nearly a year of isolation—no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no one to help her celebrate her birthday, no holding her first great-grandchild. Who wouldn’t complain?

I realized that I had shifted as well. I began to be more compassionate. When you are practicing gratitude, it is hard to be quite as angry, or as irritated with others. Try it.

2. Building Roshin

A second approach draws on what social scientists call “crisis competence.” It turns out that those over 70 are, on average, more resilient than the rest of us. Because of all they’ve lived through, they (again, on average) have a greater ability to take the long view and put life’s difficulties in perspective. Many have also learned that they have a resource of inner strength to draw on. Horrendous things happen, and life moves on.

The Zen masters understood this long before social psychology existed. Dogen, the 13th century Zen master, called this quality roshin: the wise, expansive mind of a grandparent.

You can cultivate roshin with your own older loved one. First, acknowledge the difficulty of what’s happening, perhaps with phrases like “this is really painful.” Or, “I’m really sad.”

Then, invite them to think about other challenging times that they have lived through. The Great Depression. World War II. Jim Crow. Invite them to recall the strength they showed in those challenging times, and to remember what that felt like. That doesn’t make this period any easier, but it might help them recall their own “crisis competence,” their own roshin, and summon up the courage to face another day.

Finally, don’t forget yourself. Recall, as you tend to your parent or loved one, that people all over the globe are our companions in facing illness, despair, anxiety, financial stress, food and housing insecurity, isolation, and trauma. Imagine that you are standing side by side with them. Put a hand on your heart if that feels right. And if you like, imagine the compassion you’ve shown to your loved one also touching them, like rays of sunshine and warmth.