#418. How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs. John & Julie Gottman
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If you care about your long term health and happiness, the quality of your relationships is an area you should focus on. And the good news here is that love – as it applies to friends, family, and romantic partners – is not a factory setting, but instead a skill. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are the perfect guests to talk about how to cultivate good relationships in your life.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
This episode explores: how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict; what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together; why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism;” the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced; how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice; how and why betrayal occurs; when a couple should consider separating; the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships; and the role of humor in relationships.
Content warning: There are a few mentions of sensitive topics, most notably domestic violence, which Julie discusses for a few minutes towards the end of the interview.
Where to find Drs. John and Julie Gottman online:
- Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
- What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
- Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Joan Declaire
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman Ph.D.
Other Resources from The Gottman Institute:
- The Four Horsemen
- What is The Sound Relationship House?
- The Art and Science of Love Workshop - Couples | The Gottman Institute
- Gottman Connect - A relationship well-being platform
- Gottman Card Decks App - Couples
- Gottman Referral Network
Other Resources Mentioned:
- Robert W. Levenson | UC Psych
- Caryl Rusbult
- In memory of Neil S. Jacobson
- Books by Neil S. Jacobson
- Martin Buber (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)
- Pleasurable behavior in marital interaction: An observational study (Robinson & Price)
- 2 Biases That May Be Hurting Your Relationship
- S. Leonard Syme PhD - UC Berkeley Public Health Faculty