#418. How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs. John & Julie Gottman
If you care about your long term health and happiness, the quality of your relationships is an area you should focus on. And the good news here is that love – as it applies to friends, family, and romantic partners – is not a factory setting, but instead a skill. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are the perfect guests to talk about how to cultivate good relationships in your life.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
This episode explores: how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict; what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together; why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism;” the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced; how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice; how and why betrayal occurs; when a couple should consider separating; the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships; and the role of humor in relationships.
Content warning: There are a few mentions of sensitive topics, most notably domestic violence, which Julie discusses for a few minutes towards the end of the interview.
Where to find Drs. John and Julie Gottman online:
- Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
- What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
- Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Joan Declaire
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman Ph.D.
Other Resources from The Gottman Institute:
- The Four Horsemen
- What is The Sound Relationship House?
- The Art and Science of Love Workshop - Couples | The Gottman Institute
- Gottman Connect - A relationship well-being platform
- Gottman Card Decks App - Couples
- Gottman Referral Network
Other Resources Mentioned:
- Robert W. Levenson | UC Psych
- Caryl Rusbult
- In memory of Neil S. Jacobson
- Books by Neil S. Jacobson
- Martin Buber (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)
- Pleasurable behavior in marital interaction: An observational study (Robinson & Price)
- 2 Biases That May Be Hurting Your Relationship
- S. Leonard Syme PhD - UC Berkeley Public Health Faculty